What I am afraid of is never being able to fit in anywhere. Not fitting in as in being the same as everyone else and disappearing into the background, but finding a setting where I can naturally express myself and feel like home. Or finding the people who understand me and I understand them, and the feeling of connection and safety that forms between us.
Because despite the friends I’ve made and the brief moments of joy I experience when I am in contact with others, I always feel a sense of detachment and loneliness. Like I am always on a different wavelength and too odd to quite comprehend the way others think and feel. I might even feel judged for who I am and that makes me unable to even open up. I’m never really there with the others, never present in the situation, no matter how hard I try to push myself closer.
I am afraid that I will keep looking for that feeling of being at home… but will never find it. And at the end of my life, when I’ve tried so hard just to keep myself afloat, I’ll realize that there never was a home for me. Maybe I was simply thrown into this life to wonder around, looking for something that couldn’t be.
Or maybe this is just high school.
Exactly
ReplyDelete"Maybe I was simply thrown into this life to wander around, looking for something that couldn't be.... Or maybe this is just high school."
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing.
^ yes
Deletesuch a good post.
ReplyDelete'I’m never really there with the others, never present in the situation, no matter how hard I try to push myself closer.'
i've feel this way too.
very well written.
Dude I've been so worried about this lately too! You are not alone. I think you are gonna be given the best home ever soon enough. I believe you will find a lot of homes. I think we'd get along really well. I think you're going to be really happy. I think you speak for all of us. I don't think anyone feels at home, at least right now.
ReplyDeleteI want to cancel out that first sentence of my comment, it doesn't quite say correctly what I meant/trying to say (words are hard)
Deletemy heck I feel you. I love this because I think everyone feels this way at a lot of points in life, especially in high school when everything seems so temperamental.
ReplyDeleteagh help 3rd time reading it and im still finding new things I love. Great post.
ReplyDelete